Science

Science
by Randall

For generations a force has been wreaking havoc in the minds and hearts of people across the globe. This movement has terrorized men and women and spawned the most absurd, most nefarious and ugliest ideas that mankind as ever known. It is more terrible than the mighty thundering of Hephaestus on Olympus’ Mount, more menacing than a legion of Ijiraqs swarming the northern landscapes, this menace is steadily destroying the entire world. This plague is known to us as Science.

Let me first of all say to any scientists out there, I, for one, am not buying it. I don’t trust your instrumentations and evidence-base conclusions. I don’t give a flying monkey tail if you can explain an atom or the inner workings of the south end of a northbound donkey. How dare you tell me what will or will not make me sick or what’s worse tell me how all that stuff works. Like you even know. I trust ‘Science’ about as far as I can throw it for the following reasons; first, it is too logical; second, scientists aren’t people; finally, science changes—like every second. I hope that in this piece to not only help show the inherent flaws in Science, but also help you, as a reader, do something about it.

Science has always purported to be based on ‘evidence’. What a load of crock. This is the real problem with Scientists, they give you all of this evidence until you get so bored you can’t stand listening to them any more. “Vaccines will prevent many known fatal diseases. From our clinical trials we have seen…blah…blah…blibbty…blah.” Who even knows what you are talking about? Your vast sea of so-called scientific proof is just a way that you rationalize your own existence. I have news for you, no one cares about your “life’s work”. I can think of only maybe two things (in the known Universe—if that even exists) that are more boring than listening to you prattle on about electrons, cells or inertia. I would rather watch all 180 episodes of the Golden Girls before I want to hear how a mutation in a “virus” could kill me. Am I dead? No! Where is your proof now?

Scientists aren’t people. I really don’t think I need to elaborate any more on this. Have you ever met someone who calls him or herself a scientist. There is no way that you would ever convince me that they are a person. People don’t love lichens. People don’t get excited about glaciers and proteins. On the other hand, robots do. People don’t get giddy over fungi or wet themselves over the newest butterfly discovery; however, animals would. This is why I proposing, according to the evidence clearly placed before me that scientists are either animals or robots. There is no other possible alternative. And guess what, I cannot (in good conscience) trust an animal or a robot with important matters. It is simply wildly irresponsible and morally and fundamentally reprehensible. You, my robot/fauna scientists, will get no trust from me.

Any “good” scientist will tell you that the only constant to science is change. This is beyond ludicrous. How can you trust something that changes? I will never place any trust in something that regularly changes. I will trust in the consistency of nature and the seasons. Give me something like the earth and its rivers and canyons and that is something that I can trust. These things are constant, permanent and fixed. Science just can’t make up its mind about stuff. Think about all of the people you know that are indecisive just like Science. I’ll bet you are thinking one thing about them—they are all idiots. And so is anyone that would believe in anything that changed all the time.

I know you are probably thinking, “Randall, what am I going to do? From the clearly-understandable evidence you’ve given, Science is obviously fallible. What then am I supposed to trust?” The answer is really simple. Trust anything that Science tells you not to. Here are a few things that I believe that really help me rub it in Science’s trite robot face.

• Scientific Journals are waaaaaay worse than smut and should be considered as such.

• The earth is sooooo flat and spaceships aren’t real. And neither is space, the stars are just sparkling troll dust carried into the night sky by the great Dog-Man god Anubis.

• Viruses don’t get people sick, it is just someone trying to hex you. This, of course, means that the swine flu is caused by scientists trying to get you to believe in them. Why else do you think they call it “Swine Flu”? Hello? Scientists aren’t people, remember?
• The boogey-man is real. Be afraid, children.
• Antibiotics and vaccines are really just robot pills and shots that will cause your insides to turn into circuits and wiring.
• Genetics is just scientists’’ way of rationalizing the fact that they can’t get dates or play sports well. You can’t “inherit” anything. People are created from internal clay pressed into tiny molds inside mother’s bodies that happen to look like the parents. (It’s complicated—don’t ask.)
• When you yawn, your soul is trying to escape. If you lose it you can’t have another, so watch out!
• Doctors really aren’t trying to help you, but de-hex you just enough so you think you are better and then get sick again, and then have to come back. Why else do you think they blind you with that annoying light-thingy, stick fingers in places they don’t belong, take a vial of your blood and put cold metal circles on your skin? It is a ritual to curse you.
• Exercise isn’t good for you. Don’t do it, you are only making yourself thinner and as a result weaker. You will put up less of a fight that way and that is just what they want.
  
• Pretty much everything Newton ever told you is a lie. React to that Isaac; you aren’t even a real knight!

I hope that this installment has been useful to you and has opened your eyes to this multi-millennial deception. Until we meet again….

Be afraid of reason and wary of evidence my friends!