Midwestern Collegiate Fashion

I will continue to write under this pen name to disavow myself from any and all responsibility and consequences of my writing and as I do so my thoughts turn to a very disturbing phenomenon I have noticed on a certain Midwestern college campus. This phenomenon is that there is a perfusion of horribly egregious crimes against fashion occurring virtually every second.

In terms of fashion, I am no Christian Marie Marc Lacroix. In fact, I may or may not have been born with a rare condition that prevents me the ability to match colors together by myself. (We are still awaiting the test results.) However like great art, I do not need to be a master painter to appreciate the beauty of a Van Gogh or need to be Michelangelo to appreciate his la Pietà. In this spirit of observance I wish to offer my report and critique of these heinous acts against what is considered to be en vogue.

Here in the Midwest it is very popular for young people, women especially, to be constantly and consistently found wearing athletic apparel of some kind. To such people I post the question, “When is the last time you really went to the gym?” I can tell that most of you haven’t exerted yourself in nigh unto a decade. You know back when it was the fad to listen to Prince’s Party like it’s 1999. There is nothing fashionable about short shorts, sweat pants or a ratty t-shirt that says Thomas Jefferson High X-Country. If you are trying to attract someone of the opposite sex, I can assure you there is absolutely nothing sexy about a t-shirt and sweatpants.

My next question is “Are you really wearing pajamas? I mean, really?” Did you really not have enough time to get ready in the morning? How much harder is it to throw on a t-shirt and jeans than rolling around campus in what you just sweated and slept in overnight? Dudes, just jump in the shower, or throw on some deodorant, before you cram your stinky carcass next to me on the bus. Is that matted mess of greasy hair really something that you want people in public to see? Gross. Secondly, college is supposed to be the training ground for your future profession. What profession are you preparing for? Most of those jobs that allow PJs in the workplace don’t require a college degree. Save your time and parent’s money and go to www.degreeinpjs.com.

Along the same vein of professionalism, comes the topic of a new fad in skanky professionalism. I am not proclaiming any kind of moral judgment about dressing like a slut; I do however, feel like there is an aspect of this that perhaps is being missed by these trollop-esque women. This is the issue of “dressing the part” that you want and preparation for professional life. The kind of profession that you are dressing yourselves into, first of all, doesn’t require a college degree nor is it legal in most states. (Nevada, minus Clark county, is the most notable exception.) I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

And to those men and women who try to dress provocatively and do not have the “physical skill set” to do so. Please stop. For the good of mankind, stop. If the designer of the clothing item you are wearing could see how you are mis-wearing and not-wearing his/her brainchild they would try to stab out their eyes with the nearest seam-ripper. There is no way they ever intended their work of fashion-art to become the Jekyll of such-ahem-mammoth proportions. Please look in the mirror and give yourself an honest evaluation of how you look. There is nothing wrong with the way you are, large or small, tall or short. Just be realistic with yourself. You can look good no matter what size. If you need help, ask an objective friend. I beg you.

To the lone Boise State fan and Rockies fan that I see everyday on the bus, all I have to say is dude seriously WTF? Are you kidding me? Do you even know where Boise is? Even the state?

I would like to address a very controversial topic as my last Uggs and anything. Ugg books are an invariable massacre of fashion-inspired beauty. No one looks good wearing them. Even the most attractive women who wear Uggs look like the love child of some freakish unholy union of Sasquatch and Barbie. Ask any male that likes women, and they will tell you the same thing. You might think they look so cute and are oh sooo warm, cozy and comfortable. The warmth and comfort might be tantamount to none, but that doesn’t change the fact that you like you stole the feet of some poor, brown Muppet and are stomping around campus like Jim Henson’s personal Hannibal Lecter. I’m sorry, it’s true.

This concept of comfort brings me to my final point, a point which, if well understood, could solve many of the aforementioned problems. The (in)famous law of inverse comfort. Simply stated fashion and comfort are inversely proportional and the degree to which any clothing item is comfortable, it is to the same degree not fashionable. This law isn’t my creation but a cold hard fact of the fashion world. Let’s take a look at a few examples

-House dresses the comfort level is unprecedented; an absolute fashion nightmare.

-Stiletto heels-from what I am told not comfy, really a fashion winner.

-Sweatpants-high on the comfort scale; in the depths of fashion agony.

-Clogs-really comfortable, and I don’t think I need to finish this one.

There are, of course, exceptions to this rule (like many pairs of blue jeans) but those exceptions are few and far between.

I hope this discourse has been enlightening and informative and has helped those of you who are not associated with the Midwest a pleasant view into my own fashion hell.

Stay uncomfortable my (Midwestern) friends.

XXO

-Randall