Randall's Advice Column

Hey folks, this is Randall again. Since my last posting I have received countless emails from people asking for help with their problems. I have looked over them and ignored many, but here are two that really seemed to represent the pressing issues of our day. I thought that I might share them with you. Here they are:

Dear Randall,
I want to say that I love your blog posts. They really give meaning to my life and I appreciate that so much. I wanted to ask your advice about something. I want to get a tattoo actually a couple of tattoos. I wanted to get twin cherry bunches on my calf muscles. Cherries have really helped me out in my life and I though that this would be appropriate to pay respect to them in this way. My boyfriend thinks it is a bad idea and I think he is crazy. Please help.
Sincerely,
Inked in Ithaca, NY

Dear Inked,
I honestly have no idea to begin. First of all I can’t decide whether I am flattered or creeped-out by your near abnormal worship of my opinion. If the people who I surround myself with are any indication on how valuable my opinions are; you are simply out of your gourd. And as far as I am aware I have never given meaning to anything—ever. If your life is that paltry and devoid of substance that a fictional character gives meaning to your life, then I hope you at least have a lot of money then there would be a reason for your existence.
As to the nature of your tattoos, I can honestly say that your boyfriend is not only right but you must be everything pitiable that I suspected you are in the preceding paragraph. Cherries on your calves, really? What really amazes me is that you have taken the time to put intention into this choice. That type of tattoo decision is normally something reserved for wild inebriated nights gone horribly, horribly wrong; where that tattoo, an unhallowed headache and a fresh case of Chlamydia are your only souvenirs of what transpired. Now if you would have said that your were considering lemons, mangos, pomegranates, or some other sensible fruit to put on your legs, then I could see where you were coming from, but Cherries? Do yourself a favor; invest your tattoo “nest egg” in some counseling or a productive hobby like speed-eating, and save yourself a life filled with produce-inspired regret.
Your,
Randie



Dear Randall,
im not 1 2 rite 2 an advice dude but i mosdef need ur opinion. my mom is so dum she sez i txt 2 much & i think tht shez craZ & it is tnf she wud say tht. txtspk is gr8. icn say wat i want fastr just cuz she cnt understand is her prblm. why wud she want me 2tkl f2f w/peeps? she is 2 old rofl tjk. if i cudnt txt i wud be like fml! uknow? she haznt b3n txting 4ever like I haf. I wud luv UR.02
cul8r,

Dear bff in la,
Here is my $.02. You should never listen to anything your mother has to say. Anything that she doesn’t find important enough to send via, text, e-mail or some other electronic medium (that means on computers and stuff) isn’t worth your time. I mean, O-M-G. Could your mother get any more 20th Century? If you give in to talking to her and other people, before you know if you are going to be printing out faxes off of a dot-matrix printer. (If you are too young to know what those are, believe me they are bad.) From what you’ve told me, her opinions are so misinformed by years of poorly-made experiences (that means your mother has wasted her life) that her opinions are simply not valid. (not valid means not good)
And if she brings up some kind of crap about meaningful interpersonal connections filled with true heartfelt discourse (that means real intense talking and stuff) in which both parties (that means people) are able to express (say in real words) what is on their hearts and minds, then just stop listening and text your other “besties”. I can say from personal experience that; A- that rarely ever happens, and B- it is really overrated once you get to that point. Anything that is worth saying to someone in the privacy of a one-on-one conversation is worthy of being posted on your Facebook status update or Twitter account.
To you and all of you who are among the rising generation (that means young people) I ask that you remember this one bit of sage (that means like smart) bit of wisdom; only the friends that you can find electronically are those that are to be trusted, loved and appreciated.
l8eruraqtlylaburbff4everplzkthxbi,
R&all