Opinions

Opinions
By Randall

Since I agreed to allow Vance to post the essay that I wrote years ago, I have been afraid that people have been upset by my opinions posted in the last essay and have considered the following suggestions and thought that he should post them on this blog.


In reality the only opinions that really matter are our own. I mean, who cares really, what other people think? It isn’t like their opinion really matters? Who are they to you? When other people make assertions towards you or in reference to their opinions, just do what I do—blow them off.
It’s true that some opinions might be well crafted and superbly presented, but unless they are what you want to hear, I don’t see any reason you should have to listen. There is no need to put your confidence and personal thought paradigm through that kind of bother. I can assure you that politicians, televangelists, older male relatives, law enforcement officers, puppies, salesmen, etc. never go through that kind of inner turmoil—you shouldn’t either!

I would like to provide some suggestions to what you can do to remain fully confident that your opinions are vastly superior to others when you read, hear, or assume them. The tactics and examples that I provide, will not only help you disregard other’s opinions but will empower you and yours to heights beyond your wildest dreams and give you a secure grasp on your own myopic view of reality.

There is a certain set of criteria that one should use a guideline for the opinions and thought of other people. If one fails to meet any or all of these criteria you should consider their so-called “opinion” as valuable as yesterday’s newspaper. You can use it to protect your flooring from Fido’s little messes, but not much else. I have broken them down into categories of written and spoken opinions for clarity’s sake.

They are as follows:

The written word:

• Beware! The written word can be a powerfully convincing medium and as a result paradigm shattering. Do not be intimidated because an individual has time to “construct” their alleged argument and research purported “facts”. These tips should keep you free of so-called “book-learning” and all of its perils.

• First of all think if the author of what you are reading has ever killed anything. I only listen to the opinions of people who have taken life, because I know that they mean total business. (By the way, don’t listen to Terrell Pryor when he said, “Everybody kills people, everybody murders people…” That isn’t true and is an invalid opinion, but we’ll get to spoken opinion a little later.)
• Secondly think of the shaky historical ground the printed word has. Historians and scholars agree, new research has uncovered and suggests that Gutenberg was a total tool. Besides, when did the printing press ever kill anything? (Except of boredom.)
• Next, if you find yourself being persuaded by the argument of someone despite your best efforts, try to imagine them as either someone whose opinions couldn’t possibly matter or someone who you are obviously smarter than. Here are a few of my favorite tactics:
• Imagine the person who wrote what you are reading as large, hairy overweight individual typing in a basement somewhere, with permanent Cheet-O® stains on their fingers and greasy palm prints on their “wife-beater” tank top and extremely short running shorts.
• Pretend that whatever this person is saying is actually quotations from Hitler’s Mein Kampf.
• Think that (no matter how absurd the historical context) the author listed is actually a pseudonym for Richard Simmons. (Right, Charles Dickens…)
• Rest assured in knowing the first draft of whatever it was you are reading was actually first written in crayon on the back of an envelope.
• Add in additional fantastic—even invented—words to sentences or titles to make them seem absurd. (7 Habits of Highly Yuritianshiq People sounds like the stupidest book that I will never read.)
  

Spoken Arguments:

• Orators throughout time have tried their best to persuade mankind of numerous follies. Well, let this trouble you no more! Here a few ways to fight off these silver-tongued deceivers.
• Try to visualize implausible consequences for following this person’s advice. There have been countless times when a speech or presentation has convinced people to do things that only ended in disaster. The sooner you can make a connection to what they are saying and those types of events, the better off you will be.

• “_________________ is the best restaurant in the state!” -Would-be bamboozler.
  
• I think “That restaurant is terrible and thinking that will only make me want to fund a sequel to Mariah Carey disaster Gigli. And that would be crime against humanity.”

• Politicians will say, “Vote for me for mayor!”
• “If I vote for them then I will only be giving research dollars to over-worked immigrants in sweatshops trying to make the next super solider by creating a half-human, half-ape, half-bionic monsters that will terrorize the planet.”
  

Sometimes it is better to go in the opposite direction, and realize that if you think or do what the person is suggesting horrible things will happen, and out of sheer benevolence and altruism you must disagree with them.

• “You can’t treat people this way.” •
  
• I think: “If I didn’t treat people this way then tens of millions of children would starve and die around the globe. This person obviously hates children and wants them to starve. I cannot do what they say.

• “You have to wear a helmet. You could die.”
• I think: “This person is plotting to destroy all the kittens of the world in the most macabre fashion and I wear a helmet then billions of kittens will meet a most gruesome end. Then they will be the ones to die.”
  

Another popular method to confound dangerous, wily opinions is to think about all of the incredible amount of fallacious information in the person’s argument or make some kind of personal attack against them in my mind. And if the argument seems sound enough, I make up something.

• “There is strong scientific evidence that evolution exists.”
• “Mr. Scientist if you are so smart and we are really evolving then why can toys and animals communicate (a la Toy Story) and we haven’t figured it out yet. Evolution schmevolution.”

• “There is no way that you could beat Muhammad Ali in a fist fight in his prime.”
• “You don’t know me! Besides you are probably the kind of person that spells the contraction of ‘you are’ as your.”
  

These are just a few of the many, many ways in which you can stay firmly rooted in your personal belief system. There is no need to go through life changing your mind. I wish you all the best in your shortsighted endeavors. And remember to take a lesson from me, and millions of middle-aged men and women, who refuse to take anyone’s opinion for anything more than what it is—garbage.